The 2005 CX season is over. I'm glad. But I miss it already.

It's been 24 hours since my 2005 cyclocross campaign officially came to a close, but it feels like months already. I've come to terms with my results, both the successes and failures in my preparation and in the racing. I've accomplished a lot...more than I'd expected really, though I'll admit that I did start to dream of world domination early in the racing season.

I'm glad it's over. I think it was a mere 14 races, four separate race series, and I finished in the top 6 in all but three, and landed in the prizes or on the podium more days than not. Hardly a failure, though I learned that unless you win everything, you're never really happy.

So what next? I must admit, for all the dreaming I did earlier in the year of this point, of having it all behind me, and nothing but freedom and whimsy ahead of me. Ride whatever I want, whenever and wherever. No more discipline. No more training. No more anything, unless it sounds fun, at least for a while, until it's time to start lazy base rides for 2006.

But what's odd...I can't wait to start training. I'll get 2 hours in tomorrow and I can't wait. I'm going to take my time off, but I want to make sure I do that properly, and start trainining in hearnest as soon as it's time. I'm looking forward to getting back to it.

Guess I'm not done.

Today has to go better than Saturday, right? Right?

Wrong.

Now, understand, this is most likely my last CX race of the 2005 season and the Series Finals for Pilarcitos, and double points. I crashed and came up a bit short yesterday, just out of the top 10, and tragically well behind Granshaw. But today, well, things have to get better. I mean, as long as I can stay upright, everything is bound to go better.

It started off well enough. Despite a bad night of sleep my legs feel pretty good. Rode the trainer for 30 minutes last night to psyche back up, and loosen up a bit, and it seems to have worked on both fronts. I warm up well, feeling surprisingly solid and secure on what was undoubtedly a treacherous course. At least the dirt part, anyway.

Good news, yesterday's drama didn't undo my call up, and it didn't even knock me out of 6th overall. Nick Hanni, who was just ahead of me yesterday, is still within reach. And he knows it. He also knows I just missed him the day before, even with the crash. Hope that makes him nervous.

Boom, the whistle goes off and we start. I get a great start, finding myself at the front with Nick, Rob Mau and the other front runners, and comfortable there. I come down the hill right behind Nick, top two. So he's going well, too, I say to myself. I tell him we should work together, but before we get a chance he makes a mistake in a corner and loses a few places. Now we're past the beach run up an I'm first. Rob Mau and Logan Loader are right on my heels. We hit the road section and ride off. Top three. I'm thinking "recover, recover, catch your breath and roll with this" and I'm trying my best, but slowly, the others are pulling me in. Slowly, I watch as the other top guys, like Eric Nelson, Max, et. al make their way past as I fade.

I would continue to fade until most of the guys who beat me the day before, including Granshaw and that little Eric Brady tool from the Ritchey Lapierre team, made it past me. With four laps to go, I find myself fighting Kammeyer and the chump on the fixed gear, again, same as yesterday. I'm now emotionally crushed, indifferent to the results, just wanting to get it over with but doing my best to not completely give up. I'd chase down Kammeyer's attack and try unsuccessfully to shake him, but he stays on my wheel. With no help from him, I would pass Max (who had a mechanical) and I'd drag Jim McDonald and Nick Hanni back into range, but Kammeyer would eventually come around me on the last barrier set and beat me.

It didn't really matter by then anyway. I didn't give up but I was cooked and running out of fight. So I finished 12th. Worse than the day before. My worst finish in the whole 2005 Pilarcitos series, and on the one day that's worth double points. Oh well.

I still finished in the top 10 overall. 7th, actually, and in the prizes. But I'm a fool and I had my street clothes on for the podium photos. Oops.

And that's that. From here I'd sink into melancholy, depression, shame, indifference, self pity and general malaise.

I had big plans for the last two Pilarcitos races. I came in motivated, rested, fired up and ready to crush everyone, dreaming big dreams, even bigger than what seemed possible. I was aiming for a win, or maybe tow wins. Pretty much whatever I could pull off and as of Friday night it all seemed possible. Back to back wins, yes, a stunning sweep of the Pilarcitos finals, seemed possible as the indomitable Sean Coffey descended upon the last two major races of the 2005 CX season. On the drive out to the races, I had some new motivating music to psyche myself up for the fight. I felt excited, emotional and absolutely ready to throw down.

Even at the start, I had no nerves, only minmal pre-race jitters. Got my call up and felt huge, on the front row, shoulder to shoulder with the other top B's, staring down the opening bit of the course, which went straight up the side of the big hill that haunted the south end of the course, where most of the dirt and technical riding would be. The gun went off and I got a good, but not great start, but I quickly settled into the front group. Halfway through the first lap, on the back end of the course, I was somewhere between 7th and 10th, with a relatively sketchy nobody rider in front of me. He was twitchy on the bike...kindof a creep. I thought to myself "pass him soon" but I never got the chance. On a pavement-to-deep-bark section, he augered in and stacked right in front of me. I tried to get around him, tried to ride over the top of him, but ended up crashing, finally coming to rest with his horky Cannondale on top of me.

Pissed, I threw his bike aside and grabbed mine. Stunned momentarilly. Johannes, who never beats me, rode past and off into the distance. I hopped on and started what would be an even harder race now, one of merciless chasing.

I caught Johannes and a few other riders in a sluggish group on the long road section heading back to the hill. I pushed a few of them aside as I passed. I remember it seeming odd that they were chugging along so slowly. Up the road I went. Work to do, you know.

Someone is on my wheel. And then Tim goes by. Other stuff happens, most notably, the complete unraveling of my mental state as Granshaw disappears up the road. But I crashed...so I just dig in and keep going.

An eternity goes by. I never see Tim again. John Kammeyer and I duke it out for whatever's left of the race. I eventually pull away from him. Up the road I see Nick Hanni, the one guy whom I'd really like to beat today. I pull him closer and closer, but run out of race. I finish, physically and emotionally overextended.

11th. Not what I'd hoped for. I had a top 10 finish in my legs, but luck would not have it for me today. And Tim...he got 4th. Would have had third, if he hadn't dropped his chain, he says. Cause it's always something with him, I swear. I didn't hang around long. I drive home in a mixed state of fury and despair.

Later that night, I would eat, take a bath, do my best to recover and even ride the trainer for 30 minutes to loosen my legs for tomorrow, as I finally rallied to accept my less-than-perfect result and set it aside as I aimed for a better ride the next day. I would fight tears of frustration, and get only a few hours of restless sleep.

Now it’s Friday and I’m a bit closer to excitement and pre-race jitters, but I’m playing mind tricks on myself to keep from getting too freaky about things. It helps to remember that I’m rested, confident, prepared and motivated, and that in the previous two Pilarcitos races I’ve only been beat by 4 or 5 riders. That’s motivating. I’m a little worried about tire selection, of all things, though I doubt it’s really an issue. Just thinking about it.

It’s Thursday. Normally I feel nervous by Thursday, and whenever my mind wanders to the topic of the weekend’s upcoming races, I feel that ice cold electric shock of nerves in my stomach. But for some reason, I have none of that today.

There are hundreds of little things that could go wrong between now and race day (or days, since it’s a double header), and hundreds more that could occur during the race and screw things up. But…I don’t know…I’m just not bothered by it.

Maybe it’s because I rode decently at CCCX #4 and finished well despite my tactical ineptitude. Perhaps that’s allowed my confidence to recover from the Sacramento Series Finals and Surf City Finals, where I felt as though I was cutting my losses. I’m also quite familiar with the Coyote Point race courses. Even the cold and nasty weather we’re having (it’s raining right now) somehow puts my mind at ease, though there’s certainly no logical reason for that.

It’s also possible that I just don’t really care as much about this weekend compared to those other races. There’s less to lose. At Sac, there was my overall lead. At Watsonville, my overall 3rd. And then of course there’s the momentum of top finishes I’d like to maintain, and also the added motivation of keeping Granshaw behind me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m motivated to ride 100% and I’m aiming at nothing less than victory this weekend, even if it doesn’t seem totally within reach. I still want to do well and I’m set to drill it. Or not. I don’t know.

I have no idea.

What I do know is this. I rode reasonably well on Sunday but made some dumb tactical errors, but even still I’d have liked to have been strong enough to overcome those. But that might not be reasonable. Still, I kept Granshaw away and missed 3rd (and a medal) by a mere 2 seconds. Fudge. It added to my motivation, and my confidence, and further fueling that fire is the fact that my legs feel pretty good even after a hard ride yesterday. So I should be go like hell on Saturday, and again on Sunday, and the rain and mud, well, it doesn’t bother me.

Odd…since I’m merely 6th overall I don’t know if I care how well I do against the big players. I’m mostly worried about Granshaw. Strange, but true.